[ Tuesday, August 17, 2004 ]
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE New York, NY
6:00 PM Openin
g Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
7:30 PM Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7:35 PM Trent Lott "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call for EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 PM break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 PM GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & CondiRice
10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
11:30 PM Call for EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
11:41 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
art [3:45 AM]