Pulp Non Fiction

[ Wednesday, October 08, 2003 ]



Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio
and an Israeli soldier were hiking through the jungle one day when
they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the
village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting
the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have
any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful
of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left
and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can
die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest
of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go,
I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out
my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to
happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on
the job til the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and
Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli soldier, what is
your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass." said the Israeli.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted
the Israeli.

So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into the open, and
kicked him in the ass. The Israeli went sprawling, but rolled to
his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the
chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack,
pulled out his Uzi, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a
flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Israeli was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't
you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you jerks call ME the

art [4:21 AM]